Selective Mutism Through the Years

It first became clear that I weren’t speaking in some social situations when I started preschool. School has always been the situation where my anxiety has been at it’s most severe, but it’s not the only setting in which I have struggled in. In this blog post I will be sharing more about what my journey with Selective Mutism has looked liked through the years.

I have also shared some of my experience in school with Selective Mutism in another previous blog post I have. You can read about my experience in school here.

The early childhood years

My Selective Mutism has ebbed and flowed throughout the years. There have been seasons when it has somewhat been better and seasons when it has been much harder and where I have struggled a great deal. It is important to note though that Selective Mutism will affect everyone differently and this is only my experience. SM often starts in early childhood, but without the right support and treatment it can often persist throughout the teenage or adulthood years. It is not something that a child will just outgrow of.

Selective Mutism is a complex anxiety disorder characterised by a persons inability to speak in specific social settings. A child may be chatty at home, but ‘freeze’ in situations that are outside of their comfort zone. Where and with whom they struggle to speak may differ for each individual, but commonly school is such a place. And where someone struggles to communicate can often depend on factors such as the location, situation or audience.

As a child I spoke ‘normally’ in some settings, but not others. I remember that I would be verbal around, or able to speak freely with some people that I had known since a very early age, or a few friends that my family were very close with. There were also some people that I wouldn’t be able to speak to directly, but who I would be able to speak around when speaking to someone in my family. I would also speak freely around most of my relatives and especially those who we saw frequently. Those outside this ‘circle’ and who also were people that I were less familiar, or less comfortable around would barely hear my voice at all. Large gatherings were always a struggle for me. I found it very hard to speak around strangers and I wouldn’t be able to respond if I was spoken to.

Up until the age of 10 it was very hard for me to even pay for an item by myself in the store. I would worry about having to speak. It was also one of those things that I found to be more overwhelming. At one point, I remember that I practiced paying for an item by myself in the store with my mom. I still felt anxious and uncomfortable, and wasn’t able to speak. But it was still a step that I was able to take when we made it more achievable for me. It took me several years before I felt confident and comfortable with paying for an item myself or respond to a cashier, but what helped me the most was doing it over and over again.

Moving away from our home country

When I was 11 years old my family lived in The Netherlands for 3 months and during this season I began to make more progress. I was not in a school setting during this period, which I think played a big part in allowing me to make the progress that I did. I began to make some positive steps in speaking to people. I was still very quiet and not as chatty as I was around my family. But I was able to respond to most people when asked questions and I was sometimes able to initiate conversations, or speak freely if I felt comfortable around a person. I remember that I actually once volunteered to read a play in front of a group of people during a game night, which seems crazy now to even think about, and on another occasion during a prayer night I spoke a few short words into the microphone.

My family later moved away from our home country. It was a season of making continued significant progress, while also taking several steps backwards. Progress won’t always be linear. It’s normal to experience setbacks along the journey. There will be lots of ups and downs as you navigate through Selective Mutism. As time went on I found that the number of people that I would speak freely with decreased until it was mostly only my family.

The teenage years

When I was around 12 years I started experiencing more of a low profile Selective Mutism. Low profile Selective Mutism refers to when the person can sometimes speak a little in the situations that make them anxious. Low profile SM does not mean that it is a milder version of SM, rather it is referring to how the individual with SM presents. The reason that they are sometimes able to respond to questions is because the fear of disapproval outweighs the fear of talking. Low profile SM can sometimes be harder to spot and may be more overlooked.

I would be able to respond to for example most friends of family, but only be able to give short replies. I really struggled to engage in back and forth conversations, and couldn’t initiate conversation with most people. To this day, this is something that I still struggle with in most social settings. I remember thinking that it was huge whenever I did respond to someone and even if it was with a one word reply because the fact that I had spoken was a big step for me. It may seem like a small step to you, but for someone navigating SM these steps are often a huge achievement. I also remember feeling discouraged when I couldn’t speak freely and engage in conversations with others and I would often tell myself that I would speak more ‘the next time’, but that moment would never come.

Sometime during the teenage years I also became more confident to speak in certain situations such as speaking with cashiers, ordering my own food and speaking at the optician, etc. This did not happen all at once, and it took consistency and practice, but the more I did it, the more confidence I gained in myself. To this day, my anxiety often still kicks in, but it is something that I find that I am able to do now. It can sometimes be easier to speak to people who don’t know me personally and this is something that I have found especially in these situations. If my anxiety is really extreme in the moment though, I may struggle to speak and not feel as confident.

What led me here

When I was 16 years old, I started college after being homeschooled after 4.5 years, which has been a journey of both ups and downs. One day when I am ready I will share more about how I have experienced Selective Mutism in college. I decided to take a gap year after studying at college for two years and this is when I first started blogging about Selective Mutism. This also led me to research more about SM and I finally began to understand and accept myself more. The more I read up on SM, the more I began to understand my anxiety more and what is happening within my body when I can’t speak. As a child I did not always understand why I couldn’t speak. I remember wanting to speak and trying to do so, but feeling like I physically couldn’t get the words out.

I started this website and my social media accounts two years ago to raise more awareness. I felt so alone with my Selective Mutism for many years, but through this journey I have been able to connect with so many others and this has showed me that I am not alone.